Staying in touch with friends from past fandoms

[g_uava]

How often do you catch up with friends from fandoms you or the both of you are no longer in, and what do you usually say when you reach out to them?

I've been thinking about what else to ask old fandom friends aside from updates on personal and fandom news, and what they're working on if they're fanwork creators. Also wondering if in anyone's experience, a brief online conversation is enough to sustain a connection in the case of having not as much to talk about with interests having diverged since the old days. A similar situation does sometimes happen in real life catch-up sessions but those feel more substantial when it happens over sharing a meal, as opposed to trading a few DMs.

Comments

[sholio]

I have done this, and have people do this with me, and I generally just go for something straightforward like:

Hi! We haven't really talked since [old fandom] and I was thinking about you and thought I'd see how you're doing. How's it going? Are you into anything new these days?

Maybe ask about something you remember about them from the old days (Did you ever finish the WIP from hell, how's your dog, that kind of thing) and then add a line or two about how things are going with you, especially in the shared area of fandom interests (I'm head over heels for kpop, I haven't really had a fandom since [old shared fandom], etc) and then see if they answer back, but don't feel bad if they don't; maybe they're busy or just don't want to revive the old fandom memories or something.

I can personally say, though, that you can absolutely keep friendships going beyond the demise of a shared fandom - sometimes you can get them into your new thing or vice versa, too - and that a lot of people absolutely love hearing from someone in an old fandom they've lost touch with.

[g_uava]

That's the best case scenario to once more get into the same interest and with a similar level of intensity like in the old days. But in many cases I find that it's enough to let old fandom memories lie in the past.

[linky]

When I've reached out to people from past shared fandoms before, I like to be straightforward and wish them well, mention I've been thinking about them and ask how they're doing these days. Or ask what they are working on if they are a creator. For my past experiences so far, conversations tend to flow on from there. Bringing up past good memories from a previous shared is also a good conversation piece too.

Seconding the other reply here saying you can keep a friendship going even if you don't share a fandom these days! I've found that much more often than not, people love to hear from a friend from a past fandom. I know I have when people have reached out to me. :D Even if the conversation is brief, it has felt nice to me to know someone has reached out to me and has thought of me. And to me it feels like the friendship is still alive, even if we aren't talking exactly every single day and don't share a fandom currently.

[g_uava]

I'll try to bring up more to others that I've been thinking of them! When they reach out to me, it feels nice too, but on my part I keep thinking I need a concrete reason to talk to anyone >_<

[satsuma]

I've had more problems with falling out of touch with people due to changing social media sites than due to changing fandoms personally--I don't mind staying mutuals and just replying to personal posts for most fannish friends I no longer share a fandom with so that ones easier to work around for me I guess? There are a few people I've fallen out of touch with and then reconnected though, and it's always really lovely when you can make it happen!

Worst case scenario is you have a few convos and then fall back out of touch, and you're not much worse off than you are now (well, most likely worst case, I suppose they could have also become a QAnon conspiracy theorist or something lol)

[sabotabby]

Me too. I would say that this is the primary reason I've fallen out of touch with fandom friends. I don't tend to stick around in a fandom long, so if I like someone, it's because we have other things in common. But the constant churn of social media sites (other than Dreamwidth because it's so old school) means that I mostly lose touch with people that I've met online.

[g_uava]

The more I stick to the same fannish identity, the more I come to realise too that there's a limit to how long I and other fans stick around in the same fandom. Even if in the thick of obsession it seems like we'll be fannish companions for years. I'm thinking maybe it's a good idea to find out other common interests with fans one like to of course get to know them better and also planning ahead on how to extend the friendship.

[vivarocksteady]

For real. One of the great things about Livejournal/DW was that you still got the personal and non-fandom updates from people even if your interests didn't align anymore. On tumblr, it was so much harder to actually be personal (I think because everything was so public) and if someone got into a new fandom, that's what their tumblr became. I have some mutuals on tumblr who I haven't muted or un-friended, but I honestly don't remember why I friended them or what fandom we used to share! Whereas I still remember names and details of some of my old LJ friends, even though they are lost to the aether.

Sigh!

[g_uava]

Yeah and because everything on Tumblr is so public, many blogs' personal posts go untagged and are supposed to be left forgotten in the next wave of posts on one's feed. Not only personal posts, but text posts in general, leaving the most accessible way to reach out to the blog author a DM out of nowhere :O

[author_by_night]

And you have some of us who just don't want to make public personal posts, period. I'd love to be more personal with my friends, but I can't without making it public...

[vivarocksteady]

That was the absolute worst part of Tumblr. And I think it led to the current era of over-sharing on social media. It's like privacy just... disappeared.

[author_by_night]

Yeah, ostensibly NO ONE on my DW is in my current fandom, nor my LJ flist when I was still there. But it's the same way on tumblr, and really just means we officially lost touch. And I'm with you, I don't feel as much connection to most of my tumblr mutuals (not counting people I also have here). :/

And yeah, I remember things even about the LJ people I lost touch with.

[g_uava]

That's a good idea to reply to personal posts. And it's true that falling out of touch is a lot less worse than discovering a friend having turned to the dark side in a not fun way :O

[fleurviolette]

It depends on the social media site but I keep in touch with fandom friends over the years. Sometimes we pick up where we left off or just talk about non fandom things. Sometimes we reminisce about the shared fandom memories.

[g_uava]

Sounds like it depends on the friend too! With some, they never have many updates on fannish and non-fannish activities due to a busy routine, but that's life. And there's always reminiscing to fall back on to maintain the connection.

[apachefirecat]

I think you would likely have a lot of luck, and I agree with the poster who said to add a tidbit on something personal about them you may recall. The simple act that you are TRYING to keep the friendship going will actually mean way more to a lot of writers than you might otherwise think. :) Remember, most of us don't usually get along too well with people IRL, so the gesture alone will likely touch a good number of hearts. Good luck!

[g_uava]

That's very true about writers not getting along too well with people irl, speaking from personal experience also >_< Thanks for the encouragement!

[author_by_night]

Everyone else has pretty much echoed my initial sentiments!

That said, it's also tricky if they're just not fannish at all anymore, if that's the main reason you met. That's actually the biggest hurdle I've faced - especially when LJ kind of shifted from being fandom focused to RL focused. Even a lot of my friends who were/are still fannish mostly do things on Ao3 and tumblr.

I finally gave in and got into tumblr and AO3 for my new fandom, but DW is still for fannishness, so... yeah, I still post fannish things here. And I actually prefer it to tumblr, it's just that engagement is difficult when no one on my flist is in my current fandoms, and I often get very little response to fannish posts. As far as maintaining friendships goes, it helps to limit how much time I spend ON fannish posts, or only post them for me. Otherwise, I'm going to be frustrated if I don't get any response, which is understandable if I lost hours on a post, but at the same time, no one asked me to, you know? So this way, I don't feel any resentment. Because it's not fair to be annoyed at people for not being interested, the same way it's not fair for them to be annoyed with me.

And on the comment end, I think you have to realize you don't need to make long comments. Just show that you're interested in the person's life, even if it's not something you can immediately relate to. I'll sometimes try relating through my own things, too, though I think you have to be careful not to make things too much about you.* That said, at some point, you either still mesh or you don't. I've had a lot of friends where ultimately, we were just not meant to be friends outside of a particular context. :/ But you'll never know unless you try! "I'm really glad JJ made the soccer team" or "I love when dogs do that" goes a long way. They're your friends, so even if you don't necessarily relate to the things they talk about, you hopefully care about their overall happiness and well-being, and that's what makes them happy and well.**

*I don't mean don't be a narcissist (though definitely don't do that), just... consider what someone is getting at, I guess.


**Though like I said, sometimes even that's not really long enough to sustain the friendship. Sometimes you truly have nothing in common, and that's also okay. SAD, but okay.

[g_uava]

'it's just that engagement is difficult when no one on my flist is in my current fandoms' - Sad but true :'( I feel you about getting frustrated about the lack of response for fandom-specific posts and why it seems more encouraging and productive to keep topics as general as possible. For me, it still remains to be seen whether close friendship can grow from being into fandom into general, as opposed to a shared interest in a specific fandom like how it usually goes.

'you have to be careful not to make things too much about you' - I worry about that too haha when sharing about my projects with some friends who usually don't have much new going on, just contented with passive enjoyment of their interests and no longer creating much.

That's also true about some friendships just not meant to last outside a particular context. At least there's always the memories and fanworks shared if any!

[author_by_night]

I feel you about getting frustrated about the lack of response for fandom-specific posts

What's interesting is that it's even true when they're just very.... blanket fannish. Like, I'll talk about movie tropes, and nothing. Though to be fair, part of that is that for the internet, I'm decidedly non-geeky; I don't watch MCU or anime, or even horror. So I can kind of understand why my media interests might ironically be a little "mainstream" for the people who actually are still relatively fannish, and for the people who like those things but aren't, it's very much "okay, it's just a movie/show, I have nothing to say about it." It's easier to find people who will dissect literally everything on tumblr. And that is how LJ/DW used to be, but now I find you either have to share the same specific interest, or be content with mostly real-life stuff.

. For me, it still remains to be seen whether close friendship can grow from being into fandom into general, as opposed to a shared interest in a specific fandom like how it usually goes.


I think it can, but it does help to have other shared interests, or even just similar values. And posting styles.

I have trouble not making things about myself, too. Though part of the problem, I think, is that some people really only use LJ/DW as a diary, so it's technically hard to comment beyond "I also like salad" without making it about yourself? I've had friends where I felt like I kept ticking them off because I'd say "oh, I don't do that thing, but I do do this thing," and they'd be like "no, I did that thing." No. I know. I was saying... never mind. :/ At the same time, I can kind of understand that if you're really only using your LJ/DW to talk about your day, and uninterested in conversation, someone coming in with "this is my life" would be confusing. So that's probably a matter of compatibility. (And it's absolutely fine if someone just wants to record their day and isn't really interested in reaching deeper. I sometimes do that as well, I just normally either make those posts private or I disable comments.)

[bluedreaming]

I don’t really have anything to add to the conversation, but I’m glad that you posed the question and the resulting discussion has a lot of food for thought!

[g_uava]

Thanks very much!